Jokes
| 5 minutes
Coolest HeadStone Ever!
Makes you laugh
Young Chuck moved to Tennessee and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next Day he drove up and said, “Sorry, Son, but I have some bad news, The horse died.”
Chuck replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Chuck said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Chuck said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened With that dead horse?”
Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a Piece and made a net profit of $898.00.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”
Chuck grew up and now works for the Tennessee Lottery.
Recently I asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be president some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?”
She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”
Her parents beamed.
“Wow…. what a worthy goal..” I told her, “But you don’t have to wait until you’re president to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where homeless guys hang out, and you can give them the $50, you earned, to use toward food and a new house.”
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”
I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”
Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.
Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting.
The other day I went downtown and into a friends music shop to say hi and ask him how his studio was doing.
I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break’?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a ‘doughnut eating Gestapo.’
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn’t care
I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, ‘Vote for Hillary 2016’
I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired.
Doctors orders.
It’s important to my health.
A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says “Martini.” The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “168.” The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini”. Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini”, and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “Uh, about 50.” The robot leans in real close and says, “So… you people still happy you voted for Obama?”
HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success..”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Greg’s turn.
The teacher held her breath.
Little Greg walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467”, he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Greg.
“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Greg, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”
They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog poop!”
Then I would say, “It is dog poop, wanna buy a toothbrush?”
“I used the governmental approach - giving you something for free, and then making you pay to get the crappy taste out of your mouth.”